Happy Birthday Sam 5th November

Dear Sam, I have not written recently or as much as I wanted since your Granny passed away, but you are always in my heart and mind. I want to see you every day but this is not possible unfortunately as this decision has been made by someone and I know it’s not you Son but I am sure you understand. I am always here for you Sam, you are my Son and I love you, I am your father and these are things no one can take away. This Saturday will be an important day for you Sam, it will be your 13th Birthday and this also means you will be a teenager. I have baked you a birthday cake, I know you won’t be allowed to have it but I still made it will love and am sending you a photo of it, I know it does not look great, it’s my skill with is lacking as I am not very good at such things but I made it carefully with my love for you in mind and hope you always remember although I am not allowed to see you I think about you every day and want you here with me. I love you son, Granny loved you too, I was with her at the end and some of the last words I told her was about your love for her always, she would have heard this and took great comfort from it so you should always be proud Sam that she knew you as a loving Grandson and I know you as a loving son. I will write or tell you more about your Granny one day son when you are a little older, she loved you so much. Have a great birthday on Saturday son, you will be in my mind and in my heart as always….Happy Birthday Sam, Daddy loves you always x

31st May 2016

Hi Sam, my son. I am sorry I have not wrote messages to you on this blogs as much as I was determined to do. There has been a lot going on with my life which has not allowed my plans to flow but I want you to know, you are in my heart and mind every second of every day. I want to show to two photos which I have captured...the first being 5th of November 2003, a day which I cried tears of joy and other just today 31st May 2016 ...during which the tears were sadness...... < Sam, the first photo is me holding a hand of a life starting, the second is me holding the hand of a life ending. What defines that life is what happened between these moments. All I can promise for you, what ever happens between in your life, I hope you will always have the knowledge that I love you and support you no matter what. I hope the natural progression will happen an that one day that will be you holding me hand, I can also promise you that if and when that happens, my last memories will be of love for you just as your Granny's (or "Graggie" as you used to call her as a toddler) memories of you will always be love and your smiling little face. Love you Sam... Daddy and Granny always and forever

11th May 2016

Hi Sam, I hope you are well son. Today is a special day for me Sam, its my birthday, its a good day but like every day it would be much much better if you were here to celebrate it with me. I know its not your decision not to be with me here today Sam, you did not have an option, I am well aware of this son but I am confident we will be together soon, soon things will come to a conclusion, I am fighting for you to be in my life again son and anyone who stands in the way will be to accept the legal consequences of their action and one day answer their own conscience for what they have done but this will never be anything for you to worry about son, you will always know my love for you my son will never be dampened, you are the very most important person in life, you will understand things soon son when you get older, perhaps one day you will have children of your own then understand how the cruelest thing would be for someone to stop you seeing them, I truly hope this never happens to you son, in the future things will become clearer but in the meantime I need you to know you are constantly in my heart and I could never give up fighting for you. I visited your Granny today, I tell her as always that you love her, she smiles always when she hears this. I wish you could see the apple trees in the garden Sam, they have beautiful flowers on them at the moment and I think we will have a good apple harvest this year, perhaps when you come home here again soon we can have some homemade apple pie with coconut ice-cream, we had this the beginning of last year Sam when we were together and you loved it, you enjoy my cooking and I look forward to cook for you again, perhaps you can help me in the kitchen again. Your bookshelf is overflowing in your bedroom Son, if i see a book I think you may like then I buy it, we have plenty new stories to read when we are together again. Love you Sam, always. Daddy x

20th April 2016

Hi Sam,

I wanted you to see this little picture I have attached as its so very true. I do think about you every day, I wonder how you are getting on at school, I wish you were here for me to see your face and listen to your stories. This is a very important point I want to make to you Sam and this is one of the reasons I am writing these letters on this blog hopping that you will be able to find them, read and know I have never forgotten about you. I am sure there maybe some persons in your life that will attempt to say that I have but I can assure you I have not my son, I will never ever forget about you as you are the very best thing which has ever happened to me, I am your dad as I have said before and no one can replace me. You will still have the memories of our times together too Sam and you know in your heart that you love me too son, never lose these memories or allow anyone to attempt to manipulate then for their own purposes, always be honest, not only with other people but also with yourself too and speak the truth, one day Sam we will be together again, you will be old enough to understand whats happened, I have paper, videos and much more to show you and you will see how I have never stopped fighting to get you back into my life, being your father is everything to me my son, your bedroom is here as this is your house too and always ready for you to come back. Your books, toys and games are all here, the trampoline is still in the garden and there is some many new super places to visit and things to do I want us to see and do. Love you Sam...always and forever and one day you will be back here with me my son. Daddy

Sunday 3rd April 2016

Hi Sam, Hope you are well. Missing you lots, I am thinking back on lovely memories I had with you. I was so proud when just before your first birthday the first words you spoke were "daddy dearn" :-) any words at all would have made me so proud but hearing you mention my name with your first spoken words melted my heart, I was no overjoyed and its hard to believe this was over 11 years ago as it seems just like last week I remember that moment. Also the time I was there when you took your first tentative steps, letting go of your little hands and watch you stumble towards me with your big happy smile you often wear. I was also there beside you in the swimming pool when I removed your arm bands and you swam unaided for the first time, shortly after which you were having races with me in the pool and more times than not you win, the little celebratory dance you did lifting the imaginary trophy above your head, such fun. I was there to collect you from hospital as a baby, I was there when you had your christening, your first ride on a train, also on the London underground tube, I was there during your first flight in an airplane....and a helicopter, I was there the first time you saw the ocean, I had to hold you back as you were just a little toddler and wanted to run into it without fear. More recently I was there when you drove a car for the first time aged 11 last year whilst I took you for junior driving lessons, you were so good. These memories are the greatest and will always be with you and I Sam. I want so much so make more happy memories with you and the reason I am not there with you today son is not my choosing but I am fighting in court to be there again with you son, I always want you to know this, I will never forget about you and this is why I write these open letters online hoping you will find them when searching my name on the internet, using a PC at home, in a friends house or at school. I love you son and if anyone says different then they lie and you will need to ask yourself what reason they would say such a thing. Here where I am you can always call home, your bedroom is always ready and I am always here and when we meet again Sam I will be the happiest Daddy in the world. Love you always Son, miss you all the time. Daddy x

Thursday 24th March 2016

Hi Sam, I hope you are well. Recently I downloaded some of your photos from my computer and got them made into the “old fashioned” style on paper, the type I can hold. I have gave some to granny who loves seeing your photo and talking about you. I have kept some myself so I can look at you every day, although I don’t need photos to remember you by as you are in my head and in my heart constantly son as I miss you tons and think about you every minute of every day. As always I have passed on your love to granny and have told her that you miss her. I know you would want me to say this and you would be saying it yourself if you had the chance. Looking at the photos I downloaded from last year I see the ones when we played crazy gold together in Dunfermline. Do you remember that day Sam? The weather was lovely and your won our games as your beaten me fair and square, you are the champion and that evening we went to Nandos for your celebratory meal, well done to you that day, and you beat me many times playing indoor bowls too, you are truly talented Sam, these are very happy memories and I hope we will have the chance again soon to play these games again, perhaps give me a chance to win some this time but I suspect you will just be much too good at them again to allow me to win.

I hope you are reading plenty book. Every new David Walliams books that come out I buy and put in your bookshelf in your bedroom for when you return, perhaps as you are getting older you are starting to enjoy other books, I hope we can read together again soon as we use to do before. Please always remember that I’m missing you son, I will never stop fighting to get you back into my life. You are my son and I am your father, I love you more than words can describe and you are in my heart and mind always. daddy x

8th March 2016

Hi Sam, I hope you are well son, I am thinking about you constant and miss you lots. Granny is feeling better but still in her bed as very tired all the time, I tell her always that you are sending your love and this makes her very happy. She understands that you can't visit her through no choice of your own and asks me to tell you that she is missing you too and sends her love. When I gave her a mothers day card on sunday I signed it from you too as you are her loving Grandchild this made her very happy.

I also gave her flowers from you which she has on her side cabinet with your photo as a baby which she likes to look at every day.

I keep your bedroom as you have left it Sam with all your books and toys ready for your return, I have painted the walls and hope you like the colours but if not one day we can go to the shops and let you choose a colour you prefer.

your bookcase has all your books and games in it ready for you.

This is your house too Sam, always remember its here for you and it always will be, I am your daddy and you are my son, nothing will every change, I love you very much and miss you every day, I will never give up fighting to see you and I always encourage you to be brave, tell the truth and never be afraid to approach your teachers if you ever have any worries or if you would like to contact me.

You are a wonderful son Sam and I love you and am always proud of you.

Love you always Sam Daddy x

17th February 2016

Hello Sam, I hope you are well and enjoying school. I think about you lots son and I was off work today, I took the day off to do some painting and I was thinking about you a lot. I remember the time when you were born Sam, its a feeling I will never forget and one day hope you will experience this feeling too when you have children of your own and make me a proud grandfather. Fatherhood is strange son, to know the little bundle of joy (which was you) will grow up and experience the world. When you become a father you know there is someone on this earth who you would be willing to die for without premeditation but also someone you live for. I worry about how you are son, I am not there to give you the words of encouragement that I want to. I am not there to cheer you when your sad and watch that beautiful smile of yours light up my life when your happy, but I will tell you this son, you are always in my heart and never does an hour pass when I don't think about you and never do I make a plan for the future without considering you in it too. I love you Sam, always have and always will. Its not a choice of mine that I am not there with you just now but I promise you I will never shop fighting to be in your life. You are my son Sam, I am your father and the only father you will ever have, I am so proud of you son and I am trying hard to be part of your life again. If anyone ever tells your different then they are wrong Sam, I have never and never will give up of you son, you are part of me and I am part of you, love you always. Do you remember this picture Sam? You wired up a radio, your a clever boy Sam and I am so very proud you are my son.

Love you always son....Daddy x

14th February 2016

Hi Sam, Good morning son, its a chilling frosty sunday morning as i write this message to you. I hope you are well and enjoying your weekend. Granny is getting better and is asking for you lots, I tell her you are sending your love and say asks me to say she loves and misses you. I would like to share a photo with you sam...

This is a photo of me shaking your hand just hours after you were born, you grasped my finger then and i was so very happy and proud of you then and I remain proud of you now and just like 12 years ago when I was there in that neonatal ward seated beside your incubator watching over you and caring for you, now today and always I feel the same and am always here for you when ever you need me. You are my son and my best friend, no one can replace you just as no one can replace me as your father. When you were in hospital for 5 months as a baby i traveled from Falkirk to the hospital in stirling twice a day to be with you, feed you, hold you and care for you. These 5 months I took off my work and only returned to work when you came home and you were healthy. I returned to work so I would be paid so then I could buy you the food, clothes and toys you needed and pay the bills for our home. Each and every evening when I returned home from work you and I use to play, I loved holding you as a little baby, I loved your hugs and I need these hugs now Sam cause I miss you my son and will never give up fighting to have you in my life again.

Never forget what it was like when you and I were together Sam, always remember with your own mind how I love you and play with you, never allow anyone to tell you different cause I loved you then as I love you now and will love you forever son. Daddy

7th Feb 2016

Hi Sam, I hope you are doing fine and settled into this new year well. I hope all is good at school, this is a big year for you as you will soon me moving to the high school. Granny has left the hospital and is back to her nursing home. I am sorry to say that her health is not good but I have told her that you are missing her and love her very much. I know you would want me to say this as this is how you feel as you love her loads but can't see her just now due to no fault of your own. I have put a video of Granny on YouTube which you can access her son... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqKOc9pA00E As you can hear Sam, Granny remembers you well and is calling you a great boy when she looks at your picture because she loves you. I love you too and miss you very much. I hope this rain has not stopped you playing football at school and I hope you are still interested in rugby. I miss taking you swimming Sam, can you remember the games we played in the pool? The one you invested called taxi where you are on my back and grab be around the neck and I have to swim with you on me like that. Never forget the good times son or allow anyone to make you think differently. I miss you and want you here with me again son and I will never stop fighting until i see you again as you are my son, my best friend and always my motivation, i love you Sam. Daddy

Sunday January 24th

Hi Sam, Missing you Son, hope we can be together again soon. Granny is still in hospital but is feeling better and soon will be back to the care home, I tell her ever time I visit that you send your love and Granny tells me to say she is missing you too. Can you remember when we went to the Bird of Prey centre Sam? You got to hold Zulu the African eagle and you stroked the back of her head. I have a new picture here of Zulu the Eagle for you...

The picture was from their web-site, you enjoyed your visit there Sam, you flew the Harris Hawk, I have that video on my YouTube channel son, if you search on YouTube under Dearns you will find it there and other videos of us having fun together, hope we can get together soon and do some of these activities again, especially the helicopter flight, I had one booked again for us last year but I did not get you to come with me and I did not want to go myself as I have much more fun with you as my company so I will wait until you can come again. Your seat is still here awaiting you Sam, every time I am here in the house and look across I miss seeing you sit there in it.

I want you to know Sam that I love you and will continue to fight to see you, I will never give up and remember if you want to see me or even talk with me over the phone which would make me so very happy you just need to speak to your teacher and ask her to call me so we can talk. I miss you son and need you to know this, always be truthful Sam and never listen to other peoples lies, I am waiting for us to be together again and have fun, I am your Dad and always will be, no one can ever say different Sam. Love you son....Daddy x

Sunday 17th January 2016

Hi Sam, Yet another week and i have not seen you but am constantly thinking about you and love you as always. Your Granny was not well this week. She caught an infection and because of her age it was very dangerous so she had to leave her nursing home to go to the hospital. She has been treated very well there is is now much better. She asks about you often, I tell her that you love her too and just can't see her at the moment for matters which are not under yours control. She understands this very well and sends her love. During christmas I took Granny some photos to hand on her wall, she loved seeing you in the photos.

I found your Granddads war medals, you were named after him as he was calls Sam too, he died 18 years ago so unfortunately you never had the chance to meet him but he would have been just as proud of you as I am. One day these medals will belong to you and I hope one day you may hand them down to your children too. I know you are a very brave boy Sam especially recently and I think you deserve a medal too, I am and will always be very proud of you.

It was snowing here in Falkirk on Saturday, I wonder if it was snowing where you are and if you had a chance to play out in it. When you were younger I use to wrap you up warm and go outside and play in the snow with you. I miss that son, if you were here with me today we would have walked across to the big park and went sledging and had such fun. Always remember I love you Sam and I want to see you. If anyone says different then don't believe them!! Ask what evidence they have for such a claim. Think very carefully son if someone tells you something and can't give you a good answer if you ask why and want evidence. Some people in the world lie for their self-interest, always speak the truth son and never feel forced to do something or not do something you don't want to. If you ever need someone to discuss things with always seek out your teacher at school, tell the truth and your teacher will keep it in confidence which means they will not tell anyone. Always remember son that I love you and want to see you, there is no reason why you should not be able to see me and if you ever want to contact me just speak with your teacher, they have my number and won't tell anyone as this is your right. I love you son, please never forget this. Daddy x

Tuesday 5th January 2016

Hello Sam, I hope you are well son. I missed you lots especially over christmas and the turn of the new year. I thought constantly about you and have bought you some christmas presents which I have placed in your bedroom for when you come back into my life. I love you Sam and am desperate to see you again, I want you to know that I am fighting in court to be part of your life and have never gave up, I will never give up because you are my son and I love you with all my heart and am very proud of you. Your Granny is still in the same nursing home, she has something called dementia which means her mind can't remember things very well and she forgets a lot but she always remembers about you Sam and every time I visit her she asked how you are. She has photos beside her bed of you and loves you very much too.

Everyday I am desperate to see you Sam, your school keeps me informed and I continue to attend parents nights to hear how you are getting on and i am very proud of you. I know you are a great reader, I still have all your books in your bedroom here and added some new ones too which I think you will like. Don't forget to study hard at maths, i know you don't like maths but its important you keep trying son. I love you son and hope to be with you again soon. All my love....Daddy x

Introduction

The purpose of this blog is to write open letters to my son Samuel Savage (Sam) who is currently 12 years old (born 5th of November 2013) I have not had contact with Sam for best part of a year (since march 2015 this now being January 2016) due to what i believe and allege to be parent alienation (I must be careful with wording here as there are legal proceedings current in the Family court I am am obligated by law not to write what is happening. I will also not use this blog as a forum to "badmouth" my son's mother or to write matters pertaining to her. I do have my own views (many which have been proved and very valid) which I must keep to myself here for legal reasons and for my son's sake, but I do have everything everything in writing which will be available to my son once he is older to asks the questions why I was not there during certain times of his life as I will want to make him aware i never stopped fighting for him to be in my life, nor will I ever give up on him, Now, Before or in the Future!!! He is the very best thing which has ever happened to me and I love him with all my heart and soul and he is in my mind constantly.

Sam was born premature, at 28 weeks with 25 weeks growth, born weighing 1 pound 9 ounces which then dropped to 1 pound 7 ounces. He was in the Neonatal ward for 5 months and I visited him twice a day everyday for these five months but now I am not able to speak to him over the phone nor am I aware if he received any cards I send him on occasions. I have been kept in the loop with his school which I am very grateful to his teachers for. I am a father is every way except I have not contact with my son which I am fighting to change as there is no legal reason I should not have contact and I consider myself to be an excellent father which I have proved many times and at every opportunity whilst caring for my son since he was a baby in an incubator.

As I have said before, what I will write on this blog will be open letters to my son Sam Savage, I am aware anyone can read these letters but this is the only format I can do hoping that Sam may gain access to the internet at school or at a friends and if so then googling my name or links via other sites may bring him to this and he can get an update of what is happening with me, his Granny and also what is going on in our life and that I love him and will NEVER FORGET about him!!! These posts may seem simply written but please remember these are being written by me for one purpose and that purpose is for my son to read and know what is happening with his Granny who is now in a nursing home and is 86, and his daddy who loves him and misses him. All these open letters will be printed off as hard copies for him to read in the future as I never want him to be under any illusions that I would ever forget about him. its not the easiest thing to put my innermost feelings out in the open for everyone to read but I am not ashamed to say I love my son Sam with all my heart and I am fighting to have him back in my life as there is a gap here only he can fill again, he must not listen to the voices of other and know what he wants and what is in his heart. I am his daddy, no one can every replace me and no one can replace my little boy as my son!!!!!!!